This chair is one of my most prized possessions. A piece that I will carry with me throughout my entire life, no matter what.
My father, who passed away in 2017, had this chair designed for me for Christmas in 2015.
Needless to say, there is no price that I can put on this chair.
There is also no question that this chair is the epitome of blursed. (i.e. blessed + cursed)
Let me explain.
In 2015, my father and brother both picked this out as the perfect Christmas gift for me. Being completely technology-illiterate, my dad appointed my brother as the man in charge of the operation.
My brother contacted the chair designer on Etsy and placed the order, only to find out afterwards that the designer ONLY designed and painted the chair.
Therefore, the buyer had to PROVIDE the chair.
My brother wanted to make sure the chair was high quality and would last forever, so he spent a couple days searching high and low for a place that would sell him an unfinished, high-quality wooden chair, in the same area as the chair designer.
He finally found the perfect place, and ordered the perfect chair…only to find out that the company would not ship the chair to the designer for anything less than a fuckload of money.
My brother then had to locate and schedule a third party shipping company in the area who would pick up the chair from the manufacturer and drop it off for a reasonable price to the designer while still keeping it in one piece.
Once the artwork on the chair was FINALLY complete, it was time for the chair to be shipped to me across the country, from North Carolina to California.
My brother contacted places like USPS, Fedex, UPS, only to find out that the chair could not be shipped to me for less than an unholy amount of money because of the large size and fragility.
On his last leg of patience, my brother asked the guy at UPS what he would recommend would be the best way to get the chair out to me without spending a small fortune.
The UPS man said, “Well, you could buy the chair a bus ticket.”
(Apparently, this is a thing. But also, lmfao).
So, my brother bought the chair a motherfucking GREYHOUND BUS TICKET and hired a third party courier service to get this chair safely on the bus and send it on its merry way.
That day, my brother calls me and tells me I have a large Christmas package coming in that week from my dad, and that I needed to pick it up at the local Greyhound bus station.
Confused as hell, I asked for more details, but he remained tight-lipped as it was a surprise, only to give me a delivery date and time.
The delivery date and time happened to be on a day when I was going to be on set ALL day long, so I sent my then-boyfriend, who was off work that day, through rush hour traffic in LA (AKA the seventh level of hell) to the Greyhound bus station to pick up my gift.
After being on set all day away from my phone, I finally checked it hours later, only to find a mass amount of pissed-off texts and missed calls from him. Just as I was starting to read them, my phone rang. It was him again. I answered.
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! I DIDN’T KNOW THIS GIFT WAS GOING TO BE SO BIG AND AWKWARD TO CARRY! IT WOULDN’T EVEN FIT IN MY CAR, NOBODY WAS HELPING ME SO I HAD TO RIP THE FUCKING BOX OFF AND LEFT IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE I WAS SO PISSED OFF AND THEN THE WIND CAUGHT IT AND IT WENT FLYING. TODAY HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE WITH THIS GOD DAMN GIFT. I’LL SEE YOU LATER.”
*click*
WELP.
Later that night, I got home to our apartment, where my gift awaited unwrapped, in all its glory.
Of course, I was elated and thought it was the most perfect gift ever.
Fast forward 5 years, and I’m moving out of my place in LA, back across the country to peace, quiet, chillness, and nature in NY. Which is all I want these days.
I decided to sell my stuff and start anew on the east coast, shipping out some stuff but leaving behind all the furniture and bulky items.
Except for the chair, which HAD to come with me. It was NOT getting left behind.
I got the fuck out of LA quickly…I had had enough of the smog, noise, and chaos of 2020 and I craved nothing more than fresh air, realness and the ability to see trees and stars every day.
I left my assistant at my place for a month, leaving him in charge of shipping my stuff to me and selling what was left.
As the month came to a close, he called and told me that he could take the chair to a FedEx location, where they could wrap it up perfectly and ship it out for me. Sounded great. I approved.
That night, he called me..”Guess how much your chair was to ship out!?”
I was expecting at MOST $200. Which is a lot, but…prized possession.
I waited.
“$730,” he said.
“EXCUSE. ME.” I said, half laughing, half in disbelief. “You’re not serious. Wait, are you fucking kidding me right now?!?”
He was, indeed, NOT kidding.
Now, I know I said I can’t put a price on this chair, but that is WAY too much motherfucking money to spend on shipping.
So I told him to get off the phone with me and call FedEx RIGHT now, cancel the shipment, get a refund, and I would get the goddamn chair its own storage unit until I figured out what to do next.
Now, the chair in its massive box was ABSOFUCKINGLIUTELY not going to fit in his car. And since the chair had JUST been perfectly wrapped up by professionals at FedEx, I was not going to undo their work.
So my assistant had to then go out and rent a god damn U-HAUL specifically to pick up this chair, and then bring it back to his oh-so-kind parents’ house until I figured out what the fuck to do with it.
After a tedious afternoon spent trying to solve this mystery, praying I wouldn’t have to buy it a bus ticket BACK here, I finally (thankfully), found a cool website that gave me a massive discount to ship to me via UPS (shouts out Shippo)!
I can only continue to look forward to the many more escapades this chair will surely bring to my life.
